Brandy

She was all smiles but for only a minute.
Then her whole mood changed.
I have seen her shift a thousand times.
So, I was experiencing nothing strange.
Her eyes are what changed from a twinkle full of life to dark brooding pools so far away.

Turning darker by thoughts than any night.

She was no longer with me how I wish she would stay.
She was in the past where she had been caught.
She was trapped in her mind. Deep in thought.
About the worries and concerns this life had brought.
About the painful lessons she never forgot.
She was so close.

I could smell her perfume.
But truly I was all alone.
No way to reach the one I love.
No possible way to call her home.
So much of the time she wore these eyes.
Said the same things but did not realize it.
Speech fueled by the fear of the monsters inside.
Spoke without understanding. Only arrogance and pride.
So again I was stuck all alone. Standing with this broken record.
Always repeating the same old words.

Always letter for letter.
Such profound sorrow fills my heart and overflows from my being.
From her refusal to put any thoughts towards that which is freeing.
Always runs away from herself. Always desperately fleeing
from all the ghosts of her past
that she insists that she’s not seeing.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect.

I have my faults just as well.
But I laid down all my ghosts in the past and climbed out of my personal hell.
No longer in survival mode, but free to choose to thrive.

And I pray the same exact thing for her so some day she can be truly alive.

No walls of her prison.
No chains from her mind.

And I hope one day to gaze into those eyes, and it just be her that I find.

-Craig Carlson